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A socialist neoliberal anti-American professor and London Breed supporter was giving the class a lecture on New Urbanism:

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A socialist neoliberal anti-American professor and London Breed supporter was giving the class a lecture on New Urbanism:

“Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship density, and accept that walkable transit-rich urban areas are the most sustainable and economically efficient form of development the world has ever known, even greater than the sprawling car-dependent American suburb!”

At this moment a brave, medically obese boomer and Nextdoor user who drove 90 minutes to work every day for 30 years and still hadn't paid off his mortgage, stood up and presented a graph of housing construction.

“What does this graph say, developer shill?” he asked.

The arrogant professor smirked like a georgist know-it-all and smugly replied “It clearly showcases that new housing construction has not kept pace with population growth, you stupid nimby.”

“Wrong,” said the brilliant neighborhood watchman hero, the rolls of his fat swaying gallantly. “This graph has been charting housing construction for 50 years now. If, as you say, additional housing puts downward pressure on costs, rents should have decreased by now, since we all know that population growth isn't real.”

The professor was visibly shaken and dropped his copy of Triumph of the City. He stormed out of the room, his eyes full of urbanist crocodile tears.

The 500 students all applauded and tore up their metro cards that day. A bird named "single-family-home zoning” flew into the room and shed a tear, and put historical building designations on the parents' houses of all the students in the room (where they all still lived). The "but where will they park?" victory screech was chanted several times, and the students all rose up and demanded the removal of bus lanes in their town. Robert Moses watched all of this with great joy, smiling from the heavens.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day after the local homeowner's association used their accumulated assets to purchase the university. He died bedridden in a homeless camp later that year after being injured by an SUV at a crosswalk.

And that crosswalk's name? Satoshi Nakamoto.


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